Desi's In The Cold, Cold Ground

This afternoon Desi Noonan, gang boss, drug dealer, and fully accredited security operative, late of Chorlton Park, followed his brother Damien into the cold, cold ground. They didn't see eye to eye of late and while Damien is resting in Blackley Cemetery and Crematorium up North, Desi not far from Morrissey's famous Gates in Southern Cemetery.

Both progressed to their graves in full gangster pomp. "THE BOSS" in flowers by their sides. Four black chargers. And a couple of thousand central casting extras from gangsterland looked on. Some no doubt to make sure he was nailed in well and that their IOUs and grievances were buried with him.

Desi was the second of the gang to die. And third brother Dominyk (sic) looked sick as he took over the mantle of family boss walking at 3 mph ahead of the hearse on its last journey, from Northenden to Chorlton Park.

Desi was sometimes generous in life. And in death he bequeathed an unexpected last minute day off to 2000 High School students from two establishments. An unexpected hassle to the parents of same. And a post mortem to follow for Police, Head Teachers and Local Authority on who actually cancelled lessons and why.

Why was the man taken to his grave on a schoolday anyway? Word in the local schools outfitter is that this was because Desi's family has more guns than the police and they wouldn't dare suggest he was buried on a Sunday. Our informant may have got this from the Channel 4 hagiography published (just) posthumously. The Heads say It Woz the Police Wot Did It. The Police say It Never Woz.

Desi made all Friday's local and national TV and many of Saturday's papers. His mother would have been proud of him. Publicity for the right reason at last.